Love Bombers…what is that you ask? Well, let me tell you a few things that I have learnt which might help you to understand this new and strange dating ritual. I have personally experienced this 3 times in the last 12 months. While I have been shocked by the behaviour I have seen in the dating world, I also want to warn others so that anyone you know who is also on the dating scene, can be fully prepared.
Love bombing is when one potential partner bombs you with large gestures of love early into their dating experience with you. This person may make grand displays of affection, use words of love very early on and entice you in with words of affirmation on a regular basis. They shower you with love and gifts, kind words and large displays of romantic feelings even before they have really taken the time to get to know you. Love bombers also mimic what you like and may tell you that your passions are also theirs, that the places you like to travel to are the exact same as them, that what saddens you also upsets them. This makes you feel very close to this person in a very short amount of time. Often the love bomber does not believe what they are saying to you however they know that if they can mimic what you like and your interests and dreams than you will feel straight away that you are a match made in heaven with them.
So why do love bombers do this? Love bombers know that if they can get you to fall for them very early on in the relationship than they can have their date kept on a string. They know that love is sometimes or more times than not, blind. This helps them in the conquest for control over you and the relationship. As you believe that you are a match made in heaven, that you believe you have met your soul mate, you will willingly want to spend more and more time with this person and you will trust them and devote your energy and love to them. This means, that the love bomber can then walk away from the relationship and it will leave you yearning for them, wanting more of them and waiting and waiting for your next soul encounter with them. When they have roped in their date by their love bombing, they can easily come in and out of the relationship as they wish knowing that because they have manufactured a fairy-tale romance with you, they know you will always be wanting more.
Love bombers often approach dates who are open and vulnerable with their feelings. They love to know what makes their new partner tick. They want to know all about the ins and outs of their partners’ life however, they will rarely tell you about theirs. This means with the information they gather about what makes you tick, they can quickly target your areas of need and be your shining light and your so called “saviour”. This makes you crave them even more because they falsely make you believe that this person just ‘gets you’ and could be that one you have been searching for your whole life.
So what should you do when you think you have met a ‘Love Bomber’?
Love Bombers will pursue you and want to continue to pursue you even after you have decided this person is not being genuine. They will want to show up at your house with flowers, take you out for drinks, text you and message you, call you and leave voice messages. Love Bombers know how the human mind and emotions work, they have tested and tried this theory. The know that if you keep the contact open and be available for them then they can continue to do this until you learn to trust them again and then when you do, the cycle of love bombing to manipulate your feelings will continue.
No contact means, blocking on social media, not answering calls or texts and not accepting gifts from this person. Having no contact with the love bomber means they will be unable to continue to manipulate you and tell you exactly what you want to hear to gain your affection again. Even though their sweet messages and words of love may seem very tempting to accept, resist the temptation to respond. The love bomber does not take the time to get to know you however will bomb you with these messages time and time again, if you let them. This of course will allow them control over your emotions effecting your judgement of their character and in turn it means falling victim to the cycle of abuse.
Stay close with family and friends
Your friends and family know you best. Typically they will not be able to stand the love bomber and will want to support you in your attempt to avoid all contact with the person. Keep yourself busy with family and friends and enjoy the company of others who will not bomb you with love, however will genuinely care for you and will want the best for you. Love is blind, however your friends and family especially those that have known you for an extended period of time, will be able to tell if you are getting sucked in by the love bombers attempts to contact you and will help challenge your thought processes. Challenge in this way is good, we should never think we are wiser than we actually are and when we are emotionally vulnerable, family and friends can help us stay on the right path. Love bombers will always seek to bomb you with loads of affection, gifts and love when you are emotionally down, this is when you of course need to stand firm in your no contact rule. Love bombers will not be able to keep up the love bombing ritual for long until they become aggressive, angry or controlling again.
Love Bombing is Abuse
When you are being love bombed, you are being abused. Emotionally and psychologically. It affects your judgement and is a controlling behaviour. It is intentionally meant to persuade you to fall in love with the person very quickly and trust them before they have even earnt that trust. Don’t become prey to this odd behaviour which can leave the victim feeling worthless and damaged once the love bombing ends. Know your worth and know your value. If someone really loves you then they will be OK to date at a pace that is comfortable for you. A person who is genuinely in love with you will be prepared to respect you and wont have the need to be over the top and extreme with their love just to gain your affection quickly. They will trust the dating process and will work with you in this process and will not try and control the pace or control how you feel.
Please remember that if you are experiencing any form of abuse, emotional, psychological or physical please seek help straight away.
www.dvconnect.org or www.lifeline.org.au
Remember that you are more valuable then rubies or pearls, diamonds or gemstones. You are worth the wait, don’t let anyone else bully you into dating at a pace that is not comfortable for you. Enjoy the dating process and stay safe.